I was angry. In fact, angry is an understatement. Despite the fact that I have to stand in the sun for hours at the check point and also receiving a salary that was not good enough to care for my wife and six children, my wife, Ndidi, had the guts to tell me that I’m bad in bed. Me, Sam, bad in bed. She had even had the effontary to tell me that I don’t make her scream the way my lazy neighbour made his wife scream. That man was only a panel beater. How can you compare a common panel beater to a police man?! A man of the law who served the country with all his heart?! In fact, Ndidi had so frustrated me that she had denied me access to the lower chamber.
What does she not wear to bed these days? Ndidi that used to tie common wrapper, now she wears bra, wears t-shirt and even bum short to bed. All my efforts to try and convince her to let me eat some cake have proved futile. Do you have any idea what being denied of sex can do to a man? It can make him lose his sanity! I don’t even have appetite for food and yet Ndidi won’t even give me small. Small o. As I was leaving for work that morning, I heard Ndidi having a bath. I tried to sneak in and unleash my demon but she seemed to have sensed me coming and had shouted: “Better don’t come here o! If you try that nonsense with me, I will put soap in your eyes!” Then she gave a long hiss that would have deafened me.
“Ndidi!” I snapped. My erection was already twitching in my black uniform pants. “Ndidi! I’m the one you are treating like this?! An officer! An officer of the law! A patriotic man like me!”
“Who did your patriotism help? Ehn? Who? See, if you can not go and learn how to knack like baba fryo, better go and meet the government to give you another wife!”
Without a word, I left dejectedly. When I stepped outside, I saw my neighbour’s wife spreading her children’s clothes on the line along the fence. This woman was the definition of maltina bottle. She was chubby, not tall but she had a small waist that narrowed down to meet a big curvacious pair of buttocks. This morning, she had a wrapper above her breasts and her big buttocks barely let the wrapper get to her knees. I stood there and admired her for a minute before she turned and saw me then said. “Good morning, officer.”
“Good morning, mama Fryo. How’s the family?” I asked but my eyes remained on her load.
“They are fine. Their father just took them to school on his motorcycle.” She answered as she shook out a red shirt before spreading it on the line.
“Oh! That’s good!” I said and lingered some more even though I clearly had no reason to remain there. I knew that I would be in serious trouble if my wife came out and caught me gawking at another woman. I watched her move down the line and her buttocks jiggled. Is this woman even wearing panties sef?
As if noticing that I was still there, mama Fryo, turned and gave me a puzzled look. “Officer, I hope say no problem?”
“Ha!” I chuckled and immediately pretended to be adjusting my beret. “I just dey make sure say my dressing dey gidigba.”
“E dey gidigba!” She affirmed.
“Thank you. Have a nice day.” I waved at her and started for the gate.
“You too.” I heard her say.
That day, I could not concentrate at work. Everything I could think of was sex. I had not had sex for the past five weeks now. How can Ndidi be this wicked! You see how some men cannot knack in silence makes our wives feel like we are not doing our best. I made up my mind that when I got home that night, I would summon Baba Fryo and have a talk with him. If he could not tell his wife to reduce her volume during sex, then he could as well only knack her when my wife was not at home! What sort of nonsense is this?! Every day, it is knack! Morning, knack, night, knack!
As I was munching angrily on the roasted plantain and fried groundnut which I had bought under the bridge after standing at the check point for hours, an aboki approached me carrying a basket containing plastic bottles of concoction. “Oga, you go buy am for this medicine, e go make you strong well well!” He fisted his hand and flexed his muscle for emphasis.
I lifted my head and gave him a scornful look. “You dey craze?! I look like person wey dey sick?! If you no commot from here now, na cell you go sleep!” I swung my arm in a hard gesture, ordering him to leave and let me sulk in peace but the aboki only shifted a bit and pointed to the label of one of the bottles,
“Oga, see am… This one good for yarinya. Your woman go enjoy am well well… She go dey ask for more.” He kept on. I stared at the label and saw a lousy illustration of a man with a long erected manhood and that seemed to catch my attention now.
“Na wetin be this?” I asked with new-found interest.
“Na medicine for man power. If you drink am, you go last two hours.” He explained.
“Really? You mean say if I drink am, I go strong for two hours and woman go like am?”
“Oga, I swear! This medicine na correct medicine. If you try am, you no go regret am!”
“How much?” I asked, already groping my pockets for my wallet.
“Oga, na just 400 naira.”
“400 naira?” I asked. “E no gree 300?”
He smiled and replied, “Oga, 350 last.”
I quickly paid him 500 naira and he gave me a change of 150 naira. As he handed me the plastic bottle, I began to examine the brown liquid which had some herbs and roots inside. “You sure say this thing dey work?!” I asked skeptically.
“Gaskia Oga, I no dey lie! This thing na 100 percent. Just drink 1 cup and your thing go strong well well.”
“No problem.” I said and dismissively waved him away while he thanked me for patronizing him then left. “Ha, Ndidi! Wa fe ku la le yi! (You’ll almost die tonight)” I said more to myself, now in a good mood and ready to show my wife a new side of me.
That day, I was eager to close from work. I took a bike home but dropped a few blocks away so I could walk home. As I walked, I removed the nylon from around the bottle, uncorked it and sniffed the content, it didn’t smell bad so I took a taste. The taste was awful. I made a face and almost spat it out but when I remembered the purpose I was taking this for, I manned up, squeezed my eyes shut and gulped the content. I had gulped down 70 percent of it before my stomach felt filled up and I had to stop. As I got home, I quickly hid the bottle and what was left of it at the back of my small generator.
When I got into the house, I met Ndidi watching zeeworld. “Babe babe.” I called with a smile.
“Good evening.” She said coldly without sparing me a glance.
I paused. “What is it again? Is this how you welcome your husband?”
“What is wrong is that I couldn’t sleep in the afternoon because mama Fryo was having such a good time again.”
“Good time in the afternoon ke? How is that possible when her husband is always away at work and does not return until 7p.m.?”
“It means that he’s reasonable enough to come back and give it to his wife even in the afternoons.” She said snidely. “But you, all your slow motion and 8 minutes is nothing to write home about!”
Okay, that was it! I was already feeling a hard erection in my pants already and I was ready for action. In fact, I will hit Ndidi so mouth till she can’t talk back at me for the rest of the year. “Ndidi!” I called firmly.
“Meaning?” She gave me an unfriendly look.
“I said stand up!” I ordered.
“First of all, where are the kids?” I asked, looking around.
“Have you forgotten that today is Friday? They have gone to your sister’s for the weekend.”
“Very good!” I said and began to unbuckle my belt.
She gave me a puzzled look now. “What are you doing?”
“I want to police you. I will show you red, yellow and green light today till your legs are vibrating.”
She flinched her nose at me. “What else do you know if not red light?!” She retorted. By the time I let my pants and boxers drop to the floor, my wife’s eyes grew round and she gaped at my erection. “Sam, when did your ojukwu start having veins?!”
“Don’t question me woman! Just bring that double planets here!” I suddenly seized her and pushed her to the room. I was in angry mode. I didn’t even let her undress. That stupid bum-short she has been using to block way for me, I got a pair of scissors and tore it shreds. “You want to scream abi? Get ready to tear your hair out too!” The konji was in full mode and by the time I spread her legs and unleashed, she was already biting her lower lip from each powerful thrust. I had barely thrusted in six times when my stomach made a strange noise. I paused and when the noise subsided in seconds, I continued but the noise came again and this time, a strange hot feeling ran down to my anus. Perspiration covered my brows now.
“Honey, are you okay? Why are you stopping? You were hitting it right! Mama Fryo must hear my own voice tonight so please, keep going!”
“Okay…” I managed to say, trying to hide my discomfort from my wife but my stomach kept singing and things like a thousand worms that have been awakened from a deep slumber kept squirming and shooting sparks to my anus. Ha! This aboki has killed me! This is toilet issue o!
“Ndidi.” I nervously called.
“Something is wrong with my stomach o. Let me go to the toilet and come back.”
“Toilet kwa? You are not going anywhere o.”
“Ndidi, I’m serious. Just let me go. I promise I’ll be quick.” I pleaded as my situation grew worse and I felt whatever was raging in my stomach ready to force its way through my anus.
“You are not going anywhere!” Ndidi suddenly wrapped her legs around my waist so I couldn’t pull out. “How can you want to use the toilet in the middle of something so good. Postpone whatever is wrong with you o because you are not getting off me until I have painted the walls with my squirt.”
“Ndidi please.” I pleaded, sweating seriously now.
She refused and pushed her hips up to meet me. “Oya, start moving. Your ojukwu is still very solid inside of me.”
Suddenly, I let out a loud fart. It was smelly and my eyes watered at the stench that had just come out of my body. Ndidi scrunched up her nose and refused to let me go. She thought I was only making an excuse. The next minute, my bowels surrendered to the pressure and a stream of watery feces bursted out of my anus and splattered on the bed. Ndidi shrieked in horror and how she flew from under me is still a mystery. She stared at me shock and said;
“Sam, you shit on the bed?! Jesus! Grown up man! Police officer! Chai!”
I squatted on the bed in shame. This aboki had just destroyed my life and this was also Ndidi’s fault. If she had not denied me sex, I would not have gone drinking God knows what. She quickly darted out of the room, pinching her nose together while I sheepishly walked to the bathroom to clean up myself. I had serious diarrhea for 3 days and couldn’t go to work. In fact, I grew lean. Ndidi refused to sleep on the bed with me despite the fact that I had washed the sheets. She slept on the floor and made sure I didn’t touch her. It was as if my bid to sexually satisfy her had only caused more gap between us.
One afternoon, while I was still recovering from my illness, Mama Fryo began to scream again. I sat there awkwardly, watching my wife who could hardly contain herself or focus on the show she was watching. Soon, without a word, my wife got up and went outside. Ten minutes later, she returned with her hands on her head and a look of disappointment on her face.
“What is it?” I asked, having a feeling that she had just gone to peep on Mama Fryo.
“Do you know that all this screaming that this woman has been doing since is from a dildo?” She told me.
I was surprised but didn’t show it.
“Obim, and I have been telling you that you are not good enough. This man has been screaming from using a toy and here I was thinking it was her husband! Chai!”
I was already growing angry but I said nothing. My wife approached me and knelt down beside me. “Obim, I’m sorry. I am very very sorry. Because of this woman, I did not make love for six weeks. Obim, in fact…” She began to take off her blouse. “Let’s do it right here and now before the children return from school. Now now, I’m ready.”
I got up and slipped my feet into my slippers. “I am not in the mood and by the way, I’m going out.”
She stared at me in shock. “Out? Where to? But Obim, you have been begging for this thing na? Let’s do it! Don’t you know konji has been killing me?”
“Ehen…” I gave her a disgruntled look. “Well, it’s your turn to beg. I’m not in the mood. You just ended yours but I’m about to start mine.”
She quickly held my arm and begged. “Obim, please na… I said I’m sorry. I’m ready to do anything you want! I’m ready to atone for the past.”
“If you are willing, go to the back of the generator, you’ll find a bottle there. Drink the content and come back to me.” I told her then walked out of the house. It was my turn to starve her. Let’s see how she likes it.